There are some many things I want…I am a normal person like everyone else I have a wish list…you know the normal thing’s…good books, good music, good booze. I’m often asked what I want out of life and here is my perpetual answer and it is that I want to be able to pay four bills, eat well and drink even better. When it comes to relationships (please forgive my constant talk of relationships, understand that I haven’t had a drink in week’s) again I am like anyone else, I want the same things any normal person would.

In analyzing my life, I see that I am quite pathetic, even more so than I thought initially. I haven’t met anyone potential in over, oh who am I kidding there has been no one in bloody ages. The biggest relationship I had was two years ago and was a bad one, now I resign myself to fate and what little it has to offer with a broken smile and a drink. I met someone over a week ago but am scared shitless to do anything cause, well I am me and I am not sure if a) she was smiling at me or chuckling at the sight of me. b) Whether she seemed sweet and kind (big on my list) or was that just me in my state of desperation. Today a friend asked me what I was doing. “Get out there.” he said. Easy for him to say he is seeing a lovely woman and he’s too happy to remember what it feels like, I asked him “do you daydream?? You know, about the little things. You know the little eccentricities; the stories that you will be telling one another, the ones about your life right up until now, discussions about favorite books and movies, places you’d like to see, what songs make you cry and why, all this over beer on lazy afternoon’s. He was replying yes, yes in glee. And I said Well it’s very difficult to do that when you don’t have a face to put to that daydream and its true at least it is for me. I used to be quite okay; I had my insecurities in check to the best of my abilities. Things never used to bother me this much but more recently they have grown to new heights. I always tell my friend’s ...in love and marriage there are those who settle down and there are those who settle... and I live by those words. I am unable to compromise; with me it’s always been all or nothing. I have a fear that while I’m settling down, that someone might be settling on me. I’d rather be alone than have someone settle on me, honestly I’d rather be alone than be someone’s “chalega”.