Everyone has a grieving process. One that people go through…which sees them onto the next higher ground. I am waiting for mine to begin; I’m terrified that one day when I least expect it it’s going to hit me and hit me hard.

I lost my cousin this past week. I am in a surreal state. It hasn’t sunk it or maybe it’s a shape and form of denial…I do not know.

In the past I have dealt with pain in the worst way possible…with alcohol…there is no smart case that I can make for it but its there and it has its position in my existence. And that’s all that I can say about it. This time I haven’t had the inclination to even drink.

We don’t make time for our selves to grieve, gawd knows I feel the pain and ache…

We don’t allow ourselves to grieve…I am feeling horrid and tired and pain and anger and grief…and I want to weep and howl and feel…I want to grieve.

I am not a religious person, I do not believe in god but I have faith, I have my gut instinct. A gut instinct, that failed me for the first time.

If I was a religious man I would ask why are the good taken from us…but that’s a cliché isn’t it? A cliché of someone in pain. I sit here breathing a life of no hope and no bravery…and he who did doesn’t. It’s beyond me…………