So, it’s no real secret that I’m struggling to get back to writing. For the first time in ages I realize that I don’t have a song stuck in my head. I don’t remember the last time this has happened to me. I’m blank…So the search began, to “get back to it all”.Again drew a blank.
Searched, struggled, sighed, did a few neck rotations, cracked all the knuckles.
And then it just hit me like it was there waiting to.

“People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game”

Few nights ago, I was asleep but could hear myself thinking. It freaked the hell out of me.

”People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball”

I’m been going crazy with work, have missed the plot completely.While the work has been good and I think I do it well,
I gotta unwind.Let myself unwind.

”I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go”

So took the advice of all that is strong and mighty, beautiful and sweet.

”Ah, people asking questions lost in confusion
Well I tell them there's no problem, only solutions
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry
I'm just sitting here doing time”

Going to take a while to get back, but it’s a good start.

”I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go”

A few truths have come up,I’m not going to be happy unless I get to watching the wheels.

Hey
You said my gift was to write. I pondered upon it for a month. And In between wrote what I thought appropriate. How funny it is that I write my heart out at my worst times. It only reiterates the words a poet needs his pain. After writing boy your gonna carry that weight a long time.
I couldn’t write, I refused to write any further about pain. Was afraid that in some ways it would force me to put down in words these things and then it would somehow be real and I would have to start believing it.
Work is great; am eager about Monday mornings but the downside is that I sometimes don’t want to come home cause it would then leave me time to think. And thinking hasn’t always worked out for me…ha…
You said to write and somehow I thought of a letter.
So I am, wrote this letter hopefully it will be a single and not a series. If it is a series I will have to name it after that line from nights in white satin.
Thanks man for your patience with me. These words are foolish and make me cringe.

Take care dude
You were right about me , I wanted to take that job and move out of the country, I was attempting to run away from things.

BR
============================================================================

From the "Letters I’ve written never meaning to send" Series.

Hi…and also hi for all those times I wished I could say hi and fell short of courage.
How have you been??. You look well and I hope all has been well.
I have been finding it difficult to speak to you cause I wasn’t sure…I didn’t want to disturb your peace.
Straight off, I want to say I am sorry for my anger it was mine alone and I have no excuses for it.
Some truths, which I have never had the guts to say to anyone, I have thought of you possible everyday. And maybe hoped that you were thinking of me too. And yes I have missed you. Somehow it was easier to miss you when you were away.
More recently I have been thinking contemplating wondering thinking about things.
I don’t think I could go through all we went through with someone else. Not just because of the promises that we made but more over the promises I made to myself. I can’t see myself with someone else, it just wouldn’t be right.


Me

So turns out I was lying to myself.

I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming.

So here I am now

Spinning to you and asking you,

To make it true.

I turned my back to you

Cause can’t you see?

I couldn’t watch you turn your back to me.

Sometimes I think I was built to spill

But that’s what you get when you’re spinning

I ain’t dizzy no more, just proud. 

I’m not asking for forgiveness

I’m not asking for time

I just wanted to let you know that I think of you some times.

I spent what seems like a lifetime

Looking at your green colored sky.

No regrets over it babe.

So here I am now

Spinning to you, asking you

To make it true.

Make it true

In all the ways that I’m over you

Please say what you have,

To make it true.

To let me know that I’m over you.

Tomorrow, correction today its now 1:45 am…is going to be a tough day.

U2’s “one” has just been played thrice on my yahoo launchcast radio. Once by U2 then R.E.M and now Joe cocker. The universe is trying to tell me something.

“Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
and you want me to go without”

Keep waiting to hear just those lines in the song.

“It’s been over an hour, I don’t understand what is taking so long.”
I was woken up by the voice. It came from two rows over.
We had been on the aircraft for over an hour now. I had dozed off in between while waiting for something to happen.
The flight was from Chicago to Bombay with a stopover in London. Here we were in London, The voice belonged to a pretty lady.
I remember seeing her at the waiting area at the gate, reading and again as we got on the plane. She wore a white shirt and a skirt that seemed to sway just above the floor as she got up and wheeled her bag and a blue jacket placed precariously on it.

“It’s been over an hour, what’s going on?” She asked the stewardess again.
“Mme. The Heathrow workers union is on strike, they are working on resolving the issue. That’s all the information we have right now” replied the stewardess.
The Woman now turned to me including me in the conversation as she asked the stewardess “Wow, how long do you think it would take.”
“No idea Mme. but it shouldn’t be too long before we take off”

20 minutes later we were taken off the plane and ushered into a waiting area, which was filled with passengers who like us seemed to have been taken of their respective aircrafts and looked like they had been waiting longer than we had.
They formed little mobs of threes and fours around the reps from the airlines who were against one wall of the waiting area.

People had settled into the waiting quite well. Some read, some talked while some walked around trying to find out more.
The transit passengers from my flight were the smallest group. There were just four of us. We settled into a corner of the room overlooking the runway. There was the lady with the blue jacket, an elderly American couple and me.
We got to talking, the couple The Petersen’s were going to be staying in Bombay for a few days and then on to Goa where they would be meeting some friends.

Blue jacket was Ahvan, she was traveling back home like me.
I hadn’t been to Bombay in 7 years. I remember the day I left. It was raining. And even though I had protested and had managed to keep everyone away. Carl would have nothing of it and showed up when I was leaving to take me to the airport. Our ride was quite and knowing. We had known each other since we were nine and there we were not knowing when we would be meeting again.
He had called a month ago. We had been emailing each other but his call was out of the blue. He was getting married. He asked me whether I could make it. “You promised you’d be the best man remember?? Of course we were 14 and drunk but I’m going to hold you to it.” He chuckled.
And so here I was. I had a week before the wedding to catch up with the rest of the bunch.



While I had been reminiscing about the gang the Petersen’s seemed to have started a party. They were dancing to music from a little player they had with them.
I watched this elderly couple dance to a backdrop of an empty runway and its stationary aircrafts.
Some people joined in. They were  really enjoying themselves. Now Mrs. Petersen was showing an interested couple a few steps while Mr. Petersen had asked Ahvan to join him.
She watched her feet for a bit but soon found her way and they were off. They danced for a while. Then when the next song came on Mrs Petersen had wanted to cut back in.

Ahvan wasn’t done yet. She turned around looking for someone and spotted me watching her. Smiled and held out her hand. Now I’m not one to dance but her charming smile got the better of me.

I knew the song. “I’ve got you under my skin” sung by Frank Sinatra.
And as the second verse was playing my two left feet and me had stopped arguing.

”I’ve tried so not to give in
I’ve said to myself this affair never will go so well
But why should I try to resist, when baby will I know than well
That I’ve got you under my skin”

I too was beginning to enjoy myself.

“You have done this before, haven’t you??”
“Yes“…I lied…I think she knew.
Then the tempo moved up.

“In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear”

”Don’t you know you fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, wake up to reality
But each time I do, just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin’cause I’ve got you under my skin”

And then I twirled her around and was catching my breath.

The next one was “I wont dance”…

“So what are you heading to Bombay for??” She asked as we continued on
“A friends wedding…you??”
“Just a vacation”…She replied. “I was here last year and am now thinking of maybe moving back.”
Now “cheek to cheek” had begun to play

“come on and dance with me
I want my arm about you
That charm about you
Will carry me through...”
“Right up to heaven, I’m in heaven
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak
And I seem to find that happiness I seek
When we’re out together dancing, out together dancing.
Out together dancing cheek to cheek.”

And after that big finish I was beginning to get tired.
We walked back to where our bags were with her blue jacket; I had my hand at the small of her back. Removing it as soon as I thought of it.
We sat down and watched the Petersen’s. Some passengers had stopped watching them as if giving them a bit of privacy in this crowded waiting area and some like Ahvan and me watched in absolute awe.

“They are beautiful together aren’t they”
I nodded in reply.
Ahvan and me swapped stories.
Work, life the usual things nothing serious yet it seemed to be.
I was doing okay…She was laughing at my jokes. I was being my charming self.
I wonder if it was Frankie or me but all in all, I seemed to be doing okay.
I recognized the distinctive intro and was about to mention it. When she beat me to it….
“I love this song”…. It was ”Fly me to the moon”.
So she yanked me back towards the Petersen’s.

Now dancing is a dangerous thing. Especially when its to your favorite song .
Its leaves you with memories, very distinctive memories. Why do you think they do it at weddings.
Brides and Bridegrooms are fine…they then go on to build on those memories but here in the waiting area of an airport, It was impulsive. Sure the dancing was slow now but the idea was hasty. Point being it wasn’t me but then again not being me was having its benefits.

That’s when we heard the announcement. We were to head to gate 24. The strike was resolved. A cheer went up in the crowd and a tremendous sigh came over me. We talked all the way there. Pretty soon we were back on the plane. I found my pillows the same way I left them. Turning over to watch Ahvan put her luggage in the overhead bin.

Settling into my seat I thought over the events of the past two hours. Smiling to myself.

The stewardess said, “Excuse me” and I turned to see Ahvan with her bag.
Controlling my enthusiasm but still smiling. I got up and stowed her bag away.
We went on talking, all through the flight and all through immigration and to the exit.

We said our goodbyes, swapped email address.
“So seeya I guess,” she said. Waiting for me to make a move.
Thinking what would Frankie would do.
I went ahead and kissed her on the cheek.

She walked away slow …I walked out of the airport with lots on my mind.
Heard Carl’s voice yelling “Hey hey hey”
I received the biggest bear hug from a pot bellied Carl.
After a few jokes about pot bellies and receding hairlines. we walked towards his car.
He chuckled “Dude you look a little bleary eyed? …”Heard about the strike and all, was the wait too long.”

“Nah!”…I replied “Wasn’t too bad, they served us champagne when we got back on the aircraft.” I heard the chink of the champagne flutes.

“Dude” I said settling into the passenger seat and about to close the door…. “I have to tell you a fantastic story.”

Life is about choices…looking back on some of my major ones I realize that the worst ones have been made at the worst times…not too much of a surprise there I know.

But why is it that in our worst times we go searching for it all.

And why is it that we begin with the heart and somehow rarely go beyond it.

Zofo was talking today…of the one, the want for pleasant companionship…as for me I am without hope and without strength to find the one.

My confusion was about the one…was it really? I am still not sure.

Maybe in another world I’d be happy…hell in another world I’d be good looking as well. And the “one” would perhaps be looking for me instead.

My confusion was mine,yesterday I selfishly made it someone else’s as well.

Remorse is what I am feeling right now.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels,

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real;

I've looked at love that way.

But now it's just another show.

You leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know,

Don’t give yourself away.

Joni Mitchell was right…don’t give your self away.

So here’s the thing about me.

I don’t do too well with praise. I don’t know how to react. I sort of wince, they can probably can see it on my face because when I meet their eye (after having looked at my feet long enough for the moment to pass) they look at me strangely with their head at a slant or sometimes with a thin straight line smile.

I ask myself later…embarrassed? Is it that I am playing humble or am I repeating it in my head trying to figure out if it sounds right? Does it fit? Is that me? Could someone pass me my drink so I can ponder over it some more??

Blogging is new…writing is old…how old I can’t remember…what got me writing I cant remember…I am drifting away from where I was and with calculated reason.

In the song “I’ve got you under my skin” there is this part that goes

“Don’t you know you fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, wake up to reality
But each time I do, just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
’cause I’ve got you under my skin” 

On the back of my very first guitar I etched those letters “NCW” sort of to remind me, who I was (a bad thing to do, even I will tell you that now in hindsight) and anyone who said anything to the contrary I didn’t believe. Still don’t actually.

So I watch my feet, say thank you unconvincingly or most times give a quiet hmm and nudge the conversation forward.

But now and again when I am alone and thinking.